See I have this theory on the state of marriage that I would like to pose as a question: What if the people in marriages all around the world learned how to fight fairly, then what state would marriage be in? I venture to think that there would be an impressive decline in marriages that end in divorce. Part of the reason why so many adults and young people alike are in unhealthy marriages that have a high probability of ending in divorce is because someone or both parties in the relationship have a false sense of what real love is. See real love is not when two people remember birthdays, milestones, anniversaries, and who NEVER fight. “NEVER fight” now that my friend is unreal in my opinion. When you have two individuals who have chosen to come together to be one in the context of a marriage there are bound to be disagreements and arguments even. What matters the most is that both parties learn how to fight fairly. In this article we are going to learn the do’s and don’ts about what it takes for any loving couple to fight fairly.
Don’t be scared of conflict
When there is conflict there is an opportunity for growth. When you are doing “life” with someone there are going to be disagreements and sometimes more of them then we would like, but conflict is normal, healthy and sometimes necessary when there is something important at stake. We cannot be fearful of conflict because it provides us with the opportunity to see each other, to notice each other and to learn from each other.
Do attack the issue and not each other
It really is that simple, we have got to attack the issue at hand as opposed to each other. If we begin to do things like calling names and bringing each other down to get ahead of the argument, then we are losing sight of what is important and causing an enormous potential for scars.
Don’t mix up the topics with the issue
If you continue to fight over different things but you find that you end up at the same issue (i.e. money, trust), then that issue is where it is at and where the work needs to be done. You see it’s not the topics or what I like to call the little things that matter. The issue is what matters and until you deal with it, the little things i.e. the topics will most likely bring you all the way back to the initial issue at hand. You have got to give proper due to the issue to let go of the hold that it has on your relationship, whether that is time to speak on the issue or not, validation, acknowledgement, an apology, or reassurance.
Do stay present with the issue
Do bring up relevant details to prove your point. It really is the only way to keep your argument on track so you don’t forget what you are fighting about.
The moment you start yelling, the argument becomes no longer constructive because no one is being heard. When this happens step away from the argument and pick a time and place to revisit the conversation.
Do stay away from ‘you always’ and ‘you never’
When we use words like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ we are making a false generalization because nobody is ‘always’ or ‘never’ anything. When we use generalizations as such we are only adding fuel to an already lit fire. We want to instead stay specific and give examples of what we mean.
I could go on and on with the do’s and don’ts but I won’t. I wanted to give you the top 6 do’s and don’ts of fighting fairly so that you can have the opportunity to apply some of what was shared. Listen fighting is inevitable. If you are in a loving relationship with someone there are bound to be disagreements….that is just the nature of the beast. What I hope readers were able to take from this article is that fighting fairly is a powerful thing. It is truly in my opinion the only way that relationships are able to be brought closer and essentially how people get what they want. Learning how to fight fairly solidifies your relationship because if you can come out on the other end wiser and better for it….it is worth the effort. As always I thank you for reading….until next time. Take care and be true.